New Coffee Shop
One of the most anticipated businesses will open their doors next week. At long last, residents will be able to have a coffee experience that outreaches anything anyone had ever imagined in our sleepy little town. Wake up! The best brewed beans will be right around in the corner. You won?t have to travel to New York or Paris for this world class experience.
Hurry! This week only customers will get a free scone with each cup of coffee!
Are you thinking about getting pregnant?
Are you considering giving a gift to the world? Wouldn't it be a damn shame if you're superior DNA ended with you? You owe it to the rest of humanity to combine those special strands with an equally significant spirit to walk the Earth for all eternity.
Think again. If the alien zygote has not yet attached itself to your blood stream, it might not be too late. May be you can still be free. However, if there's a creature sucking out the most nutritious elements of you, you're a goner.
What to expect when you're expecting; vomit and fat. Pre pregnancy meant stomach flu, hang over, or food poisoning had an expiration date counted in hours. During pregnancy it's counted in weeks. For some unlucky souls, it's months. You'll also get fat. Hooray, the baby daddy can celebrate your big breasts, but, are they supposed to be this heavy? Yes, and after this special era in your life, they will sadly sag. It's similar to the way the rest of your body will balloon up, and then be left with pinch-able, grab-able, clumps of cellulite that hang around here, there, and everywhere.
In regards to labor, anticipate an experience of unbearable pain. Pain so bad that you would consider leaving your body behind. If you approach labor with complete and utter pessimissim, you'll either be right, or pleasantly surprised. Woe be the poor soul who approaches labor with phrases like 'I have a high threshold to pain' 'my mom had easy births' 'women used to give birth in the field and go back to work'. Weren't these women treated like slaves?
