Men
If I had more time I could have made this shorter but I think most people can
relate to it.
MEN
The morning of our Thanks Giving dinner my lovely wife asked me to go to
the store to buy walnuts and some flowers. Now I thought flowers and
walnuts that seems pretty save. I can handle this.
This incident does by-the-way confirm the long held believe I’ve had, that
Men should not be required to purchase anything that weighs less than
35lbs. There’s just no need to; I mean most women can lift 35 pounds right?
My wife is 5’2”. I’ve seen her dragging huge bags of peat moss and potting
soil from my truck to the backyard, so I know she can do 35. Beside we men
just don’t have the mental capacity to understand the finer points of buying
stuff like lamps, sheets, fruits or napkin rings.
Don’t forget this premise of course does NOT apply to “special” purchases.
Special purchases require special handling. Special handling only a well-
qualified man can handle. Not only will we, as Men attempt to make these
special purchases, but we will also travel many an extra mile to get just the
right (insert you own word here) power drill – golf club - anything fishing
related. With out question we as Men with our special handling skills will
search high and low to locate one of those newest; super duty, chrome plated,
Universal System TV - VCR – Cable remotes. You know the kind that NASA
uses. It comes covered with the same stuff fire engines bumpers are made
from and you know how men feel about anything having to do with fire
trucks. Forgive me for I digress.
I begrudgingly accepted my non-special mission and make my way diligently
to the Grub Kitty, a place that I normally don’t like to visit because I’m only
sent there when I’m in trouble; you see I tend to eat the wrong things at the
wrong times. I’ve never understood the concept of wrong food/wrong time.
It must be another aspect of Mans reduced mental capacity. So, when I do
eat these improper food items, I am punished by having to go the store and
replace what I so wrongfully consumed and most likely enjoyed, which is the
worst. If she thinks it sucked and I eat it, for some reason that’s not so bad.
But I never know that until much later.
I get to the store and make a beeline to the proper isle. I know it’s the
proper isle because I comfortably recognize the red peanuts we get on some
holidays as well as the cashews & mixed nuts we get on others. Not being
smart enough to be entrusted with that type information I’ll not attempt to
recall which holidays go with which family of nuts. Although, I can painfully
recall the family nuts that show up at my door during the holidays and yes I
am smart enough not to relate which ones.
As I stand there. I see before me, a dizzying array of packaged nuts. I
concentrate, try to focus, and zoom in on only the bags that say WALNUT’S. I
spot several likely WALNUT looking candidates. I may not be smart enough to
be sent to the market un-accompanied or with out a good strongly worded
list, but I’m certainly not stupid. So I pick up the cell phone and call home to
confirm my selection. “Hi Honey, you said walnuts right? Not Brazil nuts or
cashews”, Yes…I’m busy just get the nuts. Oh and get extra flowers.” she
says. “Extra flowers”, I ask, “Yes, extra flowers”, she repeats. “OK honey,
I’ve got it. Extra flowers and the walnuts right”. “Yes” she huffs, “I’m busy,
just hurry”. I stand there for a second and process all this new information,
just to make sure I don’t screw it up.
After several seconds of dutiful study, I spot a winner. I see a bag of Walnuts
that says “2 for $5.00”. “Success”, I thought, “all of the others are 3.99 to
4.99 for a can. Plus the nuts say Honey Glazed”. I stop and think how many
things in this world could be made better by honey glazing? But again, I
digress.
I re-focus to the task at hand and think, “I can’t go wrong. Two for five
bucks and honey glazed too, hot damn”. “She’ll be so proud of me”. I walk
away basking in a self-imposed feeling of accomplishment. A feeling, I will
find out later is completely delusional, but you knew that already, didn’t you?
As I said, I’m basking and head straight for the checkout. Ya’ see, I’ve been
sentenced to this joint before and knew there were flowers somewhere near
the gates that allows me to escape this institution. Usually my escape comes
after paying a small fine. I spot a basket of flowers. I see four or five
bunches. There are some bunches with red and blue flowers and some
bunches with orange and yellow flowers. “Stop. Think. Which are the right
colors?” I skillfully pause and look around for any clues. Seeing none, I
skillfully pause again, there’s no need to rush this operation. After mulling
over the situation for several elongated seconds and after putting my great
cognitive brain in gear I make a brave command decision… and chose the
same color’s the lady in front of me took. I mean her scarf totally matched
her purse (so I’m feeling completely safe in my decision.) Besides I can simply
blame it on the obligatory, “Woman at the counter”, if any questions arise.
We men may be dense but we can sometimes cover our tracks.
Again, I’m happily basking toward the check-out and the checkout judges
pronouncement as to what my fines and court costs will be, when a little
voice in my head say’s ”extra flowers”. I stop dead in my tracks in a moment
of temporary horror. I pause skillfully once again and take a deep breath.
Un-deterred and still basking I whip around and stroll triumphantly back to
the scene of my recent brilliant command decision, and with the speed of a
stealth jet; I reach in and snatch another bunch of the appropriate colored
flowers.
After paying the bill, which was, by the way, twenty-three dollars and change,
I gleefully left for home, the game, my cold beverage and the holiday turkey
massacre that is about to occur. Dropping my brilliantly gotten booty on the
counter top, I head back to the basement and the third quarter of a bowl
game that I’m sure I’m losing money on.
My wife was in disposed when I came home, so I wasn’t present to
experience her extreme joy at the success of my holiday purchases. My
previously self-imposed sense of delusional satisfaction was about to suffer a
crushing blow. After completing her most recent visit to the girl’s room, she
discovers my bag of goodies on the counter where I so proudly plopped
them. The ensuing conversation went roughly as follows. “Come up here!”
There is a slight pause here as she’s waiting my assent up the stairs. “These
walnuts are glazed!! Yeah, aren’t they great? I needed Baking Walnuts!! You
get them on the baking isle!” Nuts on the baking isle, I’m totally lost. Then
she reaches for the flowers and gives them a little shake and I’m thinking,
this cannot be good!
“And what’s up with these flowers? $17.50 for two bunches? What were you
thinking? Those baskets at the checkout are only for the fools that don’t pay
enough attention to realize there are bigger bunches of flowers for much less
in glass case at the back of the store.”
No longer basking and certainly not brilliant I stand there blinking in defeated
disbelief. Almost simultaneously we both realize she has just described me to
a tee (I mean the fools that don’t pay attention part) and any further blatantly
obvious talk on my deficiencies would be fruitless. She shakes her head
gently from side to side and sends me back to the basement. As I leave she
lovingly kisses me on the head, pats me on the cheek, smiles and hands me a
palm-sized glob of sticky mashed walnuts out of the chopper she’s been
trying to use!
I bounce happily down the stairs chomping on the greatest walnut’s I’ve ever
had and thinking back to my adventure. And yet another concept that totally
escapes my reduced mental capacity; the fact that cold flowers cost less than
warm flowers. ??? Is it that they cost less because they are cold or because
they are so far from the escape hatch? I guess I’ll never know.
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